The descriptive language and tension you describe about the way the two characters were feeling was very effective and engaging. I loved the phrases, “Her lips were trembling with fear… …The man cackled in his mind.” Be careful with the middle part of your story, this was slightly confusing, maybe you could re edit that part. I thought the ending was excellent, with the girl being plunged into a magical blanket full of Megolodan sharks, I want to know what happens next!
Oh my Leon, what a fab way to continue the story! I love all your descriptive language and how it influenced my opinion; you made especially good use of your senses. Editing for punctuation will help you to be clear.
I enjoyed reading this.
Mrs M
Good detailed work! 🙂
Try to add more descriptive words.
The descriptive language and tension you describe about the way the two characters were feeling was very effective and engaging. I loved the phrases, “Her lips were trembling with fear… …The man cackled in his mind.” Be careful with the middle part of your story, this was slightly confusing, maybe you could re edit that part. I thought the ending was excellent, with the girl being plunged into a magical blanket full of Megolodan sharks, I want to know what happens next!
very good description
Oh my Leon, what a fab way to continue the story! I love all your descriptive language and how it influenced my opinion; you made especially good use of your senses. Editing for punctuation will help you to be clear.
I enjoyed reading this.
Mrs M