You have included feelings from your memories but you have use very little emotive language presently in this piece of text. Try to add more feelings in the present and not in the past because there is not an equal balance. I also recommend using repetition to add an emotive effect to your writing. You have also described your character well and how she felt in the past.
Wow, great detail
you have created great atmosphere and speech
try to add more conjunctions 🙂
You have included feelings from your memories but you have use very little emotive language presently in this piece of text. Try to add more feelings in the present and not in the past because there is not an equal balance. I also recommend using repetition to add an emotive effect to your writing. You have also described your character well and how she felt in the past.