Hi Zia,
You have included lots of exciting and interesting detail for your reader but it appears a bit rushed, which can leave your reader a little confused. Make sure you include enough descriptive detail and organise your work into clear paragraphs, which each have a clear purpose so your reader can follow your story easily .
Mrs M
Hello there,
Bestonia sounds like quite an interesting place and I am sure there are lots of adventures in store for your hero but I am a little confused as to who his parents are; clearer detail and controlled punctuation will make it easier for your reader to follow, think about his as you continue.
English Advisor
Manchester
Explain the setting more .I like the way you described the hero
Hi Zia,
You have included lots of exciting and interesting detail for your reader but it appears a bit rushed, which can leave your reader a little confused. Make sure you include enough descriptive detail and organise your work into clear paragraphs, which each have a clear purpose so your reader can follow your story easily .
Mrs M
Hello there,
Bestonia sounds like quite an interesting place and I am sure there are lots of adventures in store for your hero but I am a little confused as to who his parents are; clearer detail and controlled punctuation will make it easier for your reader to follow, think about his as you continue.
English Advisor
Manchester